|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| love...
what is love? what defines loves? what are the different assortments of love? what distinguishes the difference between love for family and love for a significant other?
i believe that no one has a definite answer that defines love.
It is apparent that many people in my age group have experienced "love" for a significant other (I know i have). But why is it that this "love" commonly ends in tragedy? Why does one person within the relationship suffer more so than the other? I believe that this happens because this "love" is unequally felt within the relationship. Love is so abstract, that it is difficult for a couple to both equally feel that "love" for one another. Again, I believe this conflict is commonly seen.
Today has made me realize that I am not alone in feeling that abandonment and torment. Girls (and boys) are constantly being left behind confused and alone. I believe I caused this pain to my first real relationship, victor. I realized just recently that i took him for granted. It was my mistake for treating him as if he was not fit to be in a relationship with me. If anything it is the other way around. I did not deserve him. He did everything in his power to simply make me happy because he loved me. Through all the emotional doubt i placed on him, he was persistent. Till the end, victor was fighting for me despite me telling him "i dont love you." He was sobbing and emotionally broken but he was still fighting. I have learned to respect him as a strong individual; someone much stronger than me. I tormented him with one of the most difficult favors; to let me go to another man. Unfortunately, i am feeling guilt a little too late.
The question is, why did i start feeling guilty two years after? The answer to that is because karma struck me back and i felt what i caused upon him. I was forced to let go of someone i loved dearly because he did not feel that "love" back for me. I felt so alone and abandoned which ultimately led me to believe that i was insufficient. I felt as if the world stopped spinning and life lost meaning when he said, "i dont love you anymore." I could feel knives stabbing at my heart and the cold tears dripping down my face. i still remember when matt told me "you can find someone beter than me. someone who can treat you better than i can." and it hit me. I had said the same thing to victor.
i want people who are experiencing this struggle to know that they are not alone. Instead to see this situation as a lesson learned and to grow from it. I have seen both spectrum; the negative and the positive. I have inflicted this pain onto someone who loved me. I have also felt that pain and torment of not being able to keep someone i loved because they did not feel that love equally back towards me. I have personally learned that you should never take anyone for granted. To respect and to appriciate everything and anything a signifcant other (or anyone such as a friend or even family)does for you. I have grown as a person. I have learned o be stronger. To not let anyone stop my life from continuing.
| | |
| i honestly do not know what to do anymore. It's been almost 2 years and you cant even tell me if you like me? how is that possible? then you tell me not everythings black or white. that still doesn't answer why. Then you go on and tell me that you dont like me anymore because you dont feel it anymore. then i find out that you've been keeping things away from me and bottling everything up. you think im spoiled, materialistic, selfish, immature. you tell me things arent going to work becuase you cant see yourself with me? then why is it that a year back yous aid you couldnt see yourself with anyone else but me. why?
i feel like youve just made me miserable for the past year. Made me feel insecure, like i wasnt good enough for you or your friends. When we played that stupid states game with sharon and eric, i remember, i said something really stupid because i thought new england was a state and i remember the look you gave me. the look of "how could you ever say that? are you dumb?! I can't believe your my girlfriend" That night, as you slept, i felt ashamed and ignorant that i cried myself to sleep. I tried changing the way i dress, the way i talk, act, and i started wearing makeup more often to hide all the flaws hoping that it would cover the flaws that you saw in me. I cant look at myself in the mirror becuase i cant see a smart, beautiful, confident girl i saw before. i couldnt see me becuase of you. I lost the the old goofy, dorky, confident me. I lost me. insecurity consumed me. i was so unhappy. and im still unhappy because i lost you.
all i wanted for the past year was for you to be happy with me. for ME. even if i say stupid things i wanted you to be proud of me. to be proud i was your girlfriend. i remember, when i first started feeling this insecurity. It was when i lost all my friends in riverside because they couldnt accept me for me. The me who stood up for my morals, the girl who listened to rock music and wasn't afraid to sing like an idiot, the goofy asian girl who was so clumsy and ate everything like a cow. They couldnt accept me and i felt this pressure to change but i didnt because of you. when i finally did lose them, i felt so insecure like i was ALONE. ABANDONED. a PARIAH. but the only thing that came to my mind was that youd always be there for me through thick and thin and you would accept me for me. but i was wrong. you werent there for me when i needed you and mostly made me feel insecure. you werent there that one night at 3 in the morning when i was crying and you knew i was crying. and all you asked was "are you okay?" and i said yeah just so you could sleep. and you did. that night, i wanted to talk to you about how alone i felt with life. Thats when i first realized i was alone. I felt alone becuase i felt like my family didnt love me because i couldn't be the perfect daughtor and that i didnt have any close friends that would be there for me. Then, i felt like i was abandoned by my own bf and i never felt more alone. you wonder why i was always jealous that you were gone with your friends? and why i accused you of choosing your friends of me? its because i felt alone and that my own boyfriend who once told me "i love you" would abandon me too. It hurts when you tell me that you cant accept me or my so called "flaws"
Even if i have the so called flaws, then talk to me about it so i can show you how i feel about it. and so i can grow and learn from it. You think im materialistic. DONT deny it. the way you were describing me showed me that you truly believed it. the way you described my goals and how you didn't know that all i want is a family with a husband who loves me for me. thats my goal in life. the way you thought materialistic items made me happy hurts me, when the only thing that has ever made me happy was just being wiht you. Just seeing you would brighten my day even when i was angry at you. I couldn't ever stay mad at you. It hurts me when you think the only thing that excites me in my life is clothes and money because its not true. It may bring me happiness temporarily but its only because i felt like it would change me for the better and you'd be proud of me being your girlfriend.
I'm angry that you weren't there for me when i needed you teh most. I'm angry for all those nights that i fell asleep crying because you weren't there. I'm angry for all those times you ignored me and pretended like nothing was wrong. I'm angry for all those days when you would pull your anger out of me. I'm angry at the way you made me feel like i was nothing. I'm angry that you can't talk to me. I'm angry that you don't know ME anymore. I'm angry that you couldn't figure out that i felt so insecure. but, I'm especially angry that you gave up so quickly.
You told me to trust you and you would fight for me no matter what came in teh way. You knew from the beginning i was afraid. AFRAID OF THIS! afraid of distance affecting our relationship and i told you we should end it. but you told me to trust you and i did. I remember when you told me to trust you. It when you first left to irvine and i was left behind. It was our first fight. it was my first sense of insecurity in this relationship but you assured me everything was going to be okay. and you fought so hard for me. You convinced me that this was a risk and you were willing to fight for it. i saw the fire in your eyes; the warmth, the love. For the first time in my life i let myself be vulnerable because i trusted you. and for a year, i was able to trust you. and now, its ironic that i'm fighting for you even though im lost myself.
but im fighting. im stupid for fighting but i said i would a long time ago. i have the same fire you had that night. the same fire is burning inside of me. that night, your heart was talking. You may not understand it now, but my heart is talking. Again, im stupid. I'm stupid for trying to get back into a relationship where I don't know if you like me or not, where i'm doing all the work to keep this relationship going, where i feel insecure, and ultimately where i feel abandoned. it doesnt make sense to me nor anyone else. but my heart is fighting and im listening.
people can tell me that its a lost cause and that i lost that matt i fell in love with but i still see him inside somewhere. i see myself in you somewhere. I feel like you're just as confused and upset as i am. I see that you do like me, that you love me, in the little things you do. The way you were trying to make me smile and laugh on the webcam because i looked shitty. the way you looked at me when i told you it was over. I saw your face. You slumped down and stared at the floor of my car. i know its inside of you but youre just confused like me
I'm sorry if you can't see why i do the things i do and thats my mistake. I should have showed you how much you meant to me rather than being consumed and obsessed with my insecurity. I'm sorry. I'm not asking for anything but for you to be able to talk to me without holding anything back so if you really are over me, than my heart can settle and put this aside. I'm sorry that i was so dependent on you. I know you're insecure too and im sorry that i wasn't there when you needed me or if you ever felt like you couldn't talk to me. I'm sorry that i pushed you away when you came to me to talk to me because you cared.
I'm here now, and ill try to be as strong as i can. its just really hard when all you do now is push me away. I'm hurting. All this is out of my hands and into yours. Maybe we needed this time. This time to find out what we want, who we are, and where we're going. Just don't be scared like how i was scared. look inside of you. Look in your heart before its too late.
Remember all those times we had when it wasnt this intense or complicated because we're still capable of creating more memories like those.
Remember when everything was simple and all we knew was we liked each other and thats all that mattered. all of our trips to the football field, orange grove, the park, parking lots and who knows where else. We were everywhere. and it didnt matter where we were because we had each other. Those times when you'd just hold me for hours and it felt like it was only 30 seconds. the first time i cried in front of you and i just hid int eh blankets and you just ripped the blankets off of me and hugged me and the next morning when i had puffy eyes you just told me i was beautiful. the first time i saw you cry and you were trying to hide from me but i wiped your snot and tears with my sweater. the nights where we'd fall asleep in teh back of your van and we'd be afraid people would catch us like in front of james's house. the trips to the beaches and we made our sand castle and we had had so much fun destroying it after. all the sushi we ate (we should be dead by fish poison or something by now). the time we painted your house when you were grounded and we had a paint fight. The night when you first took me out to a movie and you paid for me with your card and i made fun of you and your blue truck and how youd never get action. the night after graduation at chris's when you taught me how to play pool and i was so nervous because you went behind me and you just touched me. how you felt when in mr. hughs class i drew on your hand and you told me you never wanted to let go. at the beach when you told me you loved me and we got in trouble by the stupid life guards for watching the sun set ont eh life guard tower. and finally your 18th birthday at christinas when you told me you liked me and i told you i liked you and we shared our first kiss. Its retarded i still remember what you were wearing. Khaki dickies and a your old volcom shirt with the belt i bought you for christmas. That's when all of this first started right? all this confusing complex mess. I know you can see it inside. what i see.
| | |
| sometimes its really hard to say this but i think the best thing i can do for you is to leave you. I hurts me so much when i dont know what youre doing, when you dont call, when i cant talk to you for a day, and the list just goes on. I know you said i have nothing to worry about but for some reason, i cant take your word for it. You say some things that i want to believe, but the way you act says something totally different. I love you and you are the first person ive ever loved, but i dont think you love me as much and i do for you. Its hard to say all this but i think its the best for me to leave you so you can live your own life and i wont hold you back. I had a great summer and i want to thank you for all of it. You opened my eyes and made me believe that there is something called love out there. Ive felt it. But now, i think that the best thing to do is to let you go. We're already drifting and forming into different people. itll just be harder, if i tried to keep you. I know this might sseem as if im giving up but im really not, im just letting you go so you can be happy. Ill give you till next week to see how things go, but till then have fun. | | |
| well we're all near the end. I'm glad that you're ready to leave, ready to meet new people, ready to experience new adventures, just new everything, but a part of me isnt ready to let you go. I know that's really selfish of me to say but i just dont wnat to let you go. I fear losing you simple as that. I dont know whats going to happen in the future but people change. People are already starting to change. I dont know if you can see it or not but people are changing. I only have 2 more days with you. If we don't work out, well I've had an amazing summer and well an amazing friend and ill always have you in my heart and in my memories. I don't know if I'll hate you or not in the future but you did take my breath away. You also took my heart away. I knew you'd be the first person I would fall in love with ever since i first started talking to you that one night after graduation(Junior year). I just had some attraction towards you and i didnt know what it was. I've never been so sure about something ever in my life except you. Cumon, i friggin asked you to dance during 6th grade at the planet groove thing. I remember now! i was a shy girl and if you didnt make some sort of impression on me i never would have done it! then when you asked me to be your girl friend! i think it was July 23! we were on the football field (where we first really started talking) and i said no and i just kissed you. then i told you about the whole pooping rocks thing. Then you said "i love you" at the beach when the sun went down and the goodbye thing during august (18) yes i remember the dates! thats how much everything meant to me. I remember during physics when i just wanted to shove you down and tell you how much i liked you and i just wanted to you but i couldnt. I was close this one time during march but i couldnt do it. I wanted you to ask me to prom and i wanted to ask you to sadies, but both of us didnt seem to have the nerves to do it. Then today you tell me that during physics when i drew on your hand you let me do it because you wanted to hold my hand and you didnt want to let go. That really made my day. It's funny, youre the first guy that ever meant this much. I never get sick of seeing you and i never seem to care what people think when im around you. Also, i never get annoyed of you and you still make me poop in my pants. I know i have my doubts and all but i think im ready to fight whatever thats coming. I shouldnt have doubts becuase i trust you. I have no reason not to trust you. What i feel is true annd im hoping yours is true too. what ever happens, happens for a reason. If youre going to be happy with someone else or alone or with me im fine with that. I just want you to be happy and that is all that really matters. | | |
| LIL PIGISH JANE: i dont know you
actxmatt: lol oh
actxmatt: hi
LIL PIGISH JANE: lol
LIL PIGISH JANE: hi
actxmatt: im matt ong
LIL PIGISH JANE: hi matt
actxmatt: hi
actxmatt: whats your name?
LIL PIGISH JANE: my name is jane
actxmatt: hi jane
actxmatt: so what do you like to do jane?
LIL PIGISH JANE: mmm
LIL PIGISH JANE: well
LIL PIGISH JANE: i like to talk to this guy
LIL PIGISH JANE: well hes kinda a guy
LIL PIGISH JANE: not really
actxmatt: i see
LIL PIGISH JANE: and you?
actxmatt: so hes like superman?
LIL PIGISH JANE: noo
LIL PIGISH JANE: not really
LIL PIGISH JANE: more like
LIL PIGISH JANE: how do i say this
actxmatt: spiderman?
LIL PIGISH JANE: no
LIL PIGISH JANE: steve urkel
actxmatt: oh i see
actxmatt: hes black!
LIL PIGISH JANE: mixed in wiht a fob
actxmatt: lol
actxmatt: that is funny
LIL PIGISH JANE: haha yeah
actxmatt: you have quite a sense of humor
LIL PIGISH JANE: why thank you
actxmatt: that guy sounds really cool
actxmatt: hes my hero
LIL PIGISH JANE: not really
LIL PIGISH JANE: hes quite dorky
LIL PIGISH JANE: and strange
actxmatt: ..
actxmatt: you shouldnt be so mean to that guy
LIL PIGISH JANE: but thats the reason why i talk to him
actxmatt: i think he might like you
LIL PIGISH JANE: his strange adn dorky personality draws me to him
actxmatt: but he might start talking behind your back
LIL PIGISH JANE: hahaha
LIL PIGISH JANE: thats not good
actxmatt: and telling people how much of a slut you are
LIL PIGISH JANE: ohh i c
LIL PIGISH JANE: maybe i shouldnt like him then
LIL PIGISH JANE: thats not a good thing
actxmatt: and how you eat to much
actxmatt: and drool on yourself
LIL PIGISH JANE: mmm thats not a good hting
LIL PIGISH JANE: maybe i should stop tlaking to him
actxmatt: maybe
actxmatt: but i think hed be sad
actxmatt: and hed go crazy
actxmatt: and kidnap you
LIL PIGISH JANE: oh
LIL PIGISH JANE: thats not any good
actxmatt: then the next morning you would wake up and find yourself stuck in his bathroom
LIL PIGISH JANE: oh no
LIL PIGISH JANE: itll be like saw
actxmatt: yeah
LIL PIGISH JANE: lol
actxmatt: i know you dont want that
LIL PIGISH JANE: no i dont
LIL PIGISH JANE: well i dont htink he has to worry
LIL PIGISH JANE: i wouldnt leave him
actxmatt: well im sure he is very happy about that
LIL PIGISH JANE: i mean unless he dies
LIL PIGISH JANE: then im kinda forced
actxmatt: i dont think he would ever leave you either
actxmatt: as long as you dont kill him
LIL PIGISH JANE: lol
LIL PIGISH JANE: mmm that wont happen for another couple weeks
actxmatt: well then for the next couple weeks he better make the most out of life
LIL PIGISH JANE: lol
LIL PIGISH JANE: maybe
LIL PIGISH JANE: but he'll be around till im old
LIL PIGISH JANE: i think
LIL PIGISH JANE: ill kick him if he doesnt
actxmatt: thats not good
LIL PIGISH JANE: hahaha
LIL PIGISH JANE: why sure it is
actxmatt: he'll be around
actxmatt: when you guys are old
actxmatt: you will just park your wheel chairs next to the freeway
actxmatt: and look for slug bugs
LIL PIGISH JANE: and punch each other
actxmatt: yeah im sure you will be very happy being old together
LIL PIGISH JANE: hahaha yeah
LIL PIGISH JANE: im sure
LIL PIGISH JANE: he already makes me happy
LIL PIGISH JANE: soo im sure later on in life YEARS later he'll still make me happy
actxmatt: well you must make him quite happy as well
LIL PIGISH JANE: maybe
LIL PIGISH JANE: i hurt him a lot
actxmatt: its ok
actxmatt: he is rubber
actxmatt: and you are glue
actxmatt: anything you say bounces off of him
actxmatt: and sticks to you
LIL PIGISH JANE: lol
LIL PIGISH JANE: hopefully
LIL PIGISH JANE: i dont really mean what i say to him
actxmatt: he probably knows you well enough to tell when you are being serious
LIL PIGISH JANE: true
LIL PIGISH JANE: or maybe he doesnt?!
actxmatt: i think he likes you too much to let any stupid little things get in the way
LIL PIGISH JANE: im glad
LIL PIGISH JANE: well i like him too much to lose him
actxmatt: im jealous im sure you guys will be great together
LIL PIGISH JANE: we are
LIL PIGISH JANE: lol
LIL PIGISH JANE: and how are you doing?
actxmatt: well i am doing just fine
actxmatt: as fine as a person can be at 4 in the morning
actxmatt: although i am missing this one girl as well
LIL PIGISH JANE: thats good to hear
LIL PIGISH JANE: who is this girl?
actxmatt: well actually she is quite strange
actxmatt: i dont think ive ever met any girl quite like her before
LIL PIGISH JANE: ohh really?
actxmatt: yeah
actxmatt: we make fun of each other a lot
LIL PIGISH JANE: thats always fun
actxmatt: but t think she knows its just cuz i like her
LIL PIGISH JANE: im sure she knows
LIL PIGISH JANE: especially if she makes fun of you back
actxmatt: yeah
actxmatt: she is a funny girl
LIL PIGISH JANE: perfect because so far youre a funny guy
actxmatt: i always tell her she is fat
actxmatt: because she likes to eat
actxmatt: but really she is just perfect
LIL PIGISH JANE: thats sweet of you
LIL PIGISH JANE: you must put a smile on her face
actxmatt: haha i hope so
actxmatt: because she sure puts a smile on mine
LIL PIGISH JANE: thats good
LIL PIGISH JANE: you two sound like a happy couple
actxmatt: haha i guess we are
LIL PIGISH JANE: i mean there is a saying that laughter is the door to your soul
LIL PIGISH JANE: so a smile must do exactly the same
actxmatt: yes indeedy
actxmatt: well even if it isnt
actxmatt: she makes me laugh just as much
LIL PIGISH JANE: thats good
actxmatt: so either way she's got me
LIL PIGISH JANE: yes, that means you have her as well
actxmatt: well im glad
actxmatt: i wonder what she is doing right now?
LIL PIGISH JANE: good
LIL PIGISH JANE: well shes chasing stray cats out of her house
LIL PIGISH JANE: and thinking about the beach
LIL PIGISH JANE: well shes PROBABLY chasing stray cats out of her house
actxmatt: ahaha
LIL PIGISH JANE: haha sorry
actxmatt: yeah that sounds like her
LIL PIGISH JANE: haha i mean it is kinda strange
LIL PIGISH JANE: and you described her as being strange
actxmatt: yeah
actxmatt: she is a strange girl indeed
actxmatt: but i like it
LIL PIGISH JANE: thats good
LIL PIGISH JANE: as long as you like her for who she is
actxmatt: since she is unique
actxmatt: she makes me feel things ive never felt before
LIL PIGISH JANE: like pooping rocks?
actxmatt: like pooping rocks
actxmatt: haha
actxmatt: wow you must be psychic
LIL PIGISH JANE: just a little
LIL PIGISH JANE: or it might just be because the dorky guy i like makes me feel like i want to poop rocks
LIL PIGISH JANE: whenever i am around him
actxmatt: well if its the same it sounds like you must really like him just like i like her
LIL PIGISH JANE: i do
LIL PIGISH JANE: id want to hold on to him for as long as i can
actxmatt: man i feel like pooping rocks right now just thinking about her
LIL PIGISH JANE: same here
LIL PIGISH JANE: except for hiim
LIL PIGISH JANE: i guess we're both in teh same situation
actxmatt: and im gonna hold on to her as well
actxmatt: it sure sounds like it
LIL PIGISH JANE: i dont know i just wish he was here with me
LIL PIGISH JANE: since i havnt seen him in a long time
actxmatt: lol wow
actxmatt: i guess we really are in the same situation
LIL PIGISH JANE: i guess we are
LIL PIGISH JANE: i am really falling for him
actxmatt: i think i could be happy anywhere as long as she is with me
LIL PIGISH JANE: thats good to hear
LIL PIGISH JANE: im guessing shes more than a girl she likes
LIL PIGISH JANE: you like
LIL PIGISH JANE: because to me, hes more than a guy i like
LIL PIGISH JANE: hes a close friend
actxmatt: i feel the same way about her
LIL PIGISH JANE: we are on teh same boat
actxmatt: haha yep
actxmatt: i really wish time didnt have to limit us
LIL PIGISH JANE: i agree
LIL PIGISH JANE: there is so much time in the world, but its limits us
LIL PIGISH JANE: i just think time is stupid
actxmatt: it is
actxmatt: its because we are stupid people
actxmatt: and we invented time
LIL PIGISH JANE: yeah
LIL PIGISH JANE: and someone invented money
LIL PIGISH JANE: and working for money
actxmatt: yeah
actxmatt: and stupid people let that prevent them from really just being happy
actxmatt: im just glad i found a reason for being happy
LIL PIGISH JANE: i am too
LIL PIGISH JANE: gives you something to live for
LIL PIGISH JANE: and look forward to a brand new day
actxmatt: haha yeah well i am definitely looking forward to tomorrow
LIL PIGISH JANE: i am too
actxmatt: or i should say later today?
LIL PIGISH JANE: lol
actxmatt: actually just seeing her
LIL PIGISH JANE: ive been waiting for today for a week
actxmatt: yeah
actxmatt: i dont want to scare her away
LIL PIGISH JANE: doing nothing
LIL PIGISH JANE: you wouldnt scare her away
LIL PIGISH JANE: even ify ou were covered in poop
actxmatt: haha she'll just throw up a little in her mouth
LIL PIGISH JANE: maybe a little
actxmatt: lol
LIL PIGISH JANE: but she wouldnt care
actxmatt: good
LIL PIGISH JANE: im sure she wouldnt care
LIL PIGISH JANE: just as long as she got to hug you
actxmatt: well id still kiss her even if she threw up
LIL PIGISH JANE: thats nice to hear
LIL PIGISH JANE: that would make her happy
LIL PIGISH JANE: since i think she liked you for a while
actxmatt: haha yeah ive liked her for awhile too
actxmatt: even before she knew i liked her
actxmatt: and ever since then ive been falling harder and harder for her
LIL PIGISH JANE: im sure shes been doing the same
LIL PIGISH JANE: ever since she first started talking to you
LIL PIGISH JANE: she felt something towards you
LIL PIGISH JANE: but just wasnt sure
actxmatt: well i hope she is sure now
LIL PIGISH JANE: she is
LIL PIGISH JANE: shes never been so sure
actxmatt: im glad
actxmatt: because i know she is one thing i dont want to lose
LIL PIGISH JANE: im sure she wouldnt want to lose you either because shed give up anything to keep you
actxmatt: well then i am beginning to have more faith in the future
LIL PIGISH JANE: thats good
LIL PIGISH JANE: becuase i think she has more faith than before | | |
|
